Arms
by MelanieCat45
Summary: Song fic. Snoddy/OC. The only place Lillian really feels secure is in Snoddy's arms and she's terrified of letting go. Based on a pairing in the TNRPG.


((AN: Lyrics are "Arms" by Christina Perri. I didn't write them.))

_I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart_

_But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start_

When Lillian thought about it, she still couldn't understand how she ended up with him. She was over-emotional, silly, giggly, a borderline alcoholic, clingy, flirty, loose… And he was none of those things. Her complete opposite, really. She knew Medda said opposites attract and to a certain extent, she knew that was true. All her past beaus were completely different from her. But they were also completely different from him.

They had been friends of a sort. She and him. She always thought he was interesting, liked talking to him, laughed whenever he teased Itey. They had gone out drinking once… Or, rather, she drank alcohol and he drank water and they talked and laughed and she teased him about a girl he sold to that he liked. Things were comfortable, they teased and laughed at each other and teamed up to pick on Itey. He was someone she could be sarcastic with because he shot sarcasm right back. She liked him. They got on well.

And then things changed.

_You put your arms around me_

_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

The only way she could describe the way she felt in his arms was safe. Like nothing could get her as long as she ducked her head into his chest and closed out the rest of the world. As long as his arms were around her, she felt secure.

Of course, even in his arms she couldn't block out the fear that one day, she wouldn't have his arms to take shelter in. And the fear that the day would be sooner than later. But she tried not to think about it, she just closed her eyes and let her breathing slow to match the steady pace of his own.

_How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?_

_I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown_

And suddenly, the safe haven she had seemed to crumble. Her former beau reappeared. And even when she curled up in his arms, she still worried what would happen when she left. He told her that he wouldn't let anything happen to her. Not while he was there. And she had nodded, because she wanted to believe him. She wanted to think he loved her enough to always be there and keep her safe. As safe as she felt in his arms.

She got jumpy. In the streets, she couldn't help looking over her shoulder in fear of seeing the former beau. She tried to hide it, tried to pretend everything was normal.

_I hope that you can see right through my walls_

_I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling_

_I'll never let a love get so close_

_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

He didn't ask her questions as she grew quiet over the weeks as she worried she was going crazy and afraid to tell anyone how often she saw her former beau. And she didn't tell him, just snuggled close to him whenever they were together and quiet, seeking her shelter. And he would wrap his arms around her and pull her close. She could always feel the stress and worry flowing away from her body and nestled closer, her eyes closing and her shoulders relaxing.

_The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved_

_I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone_

She had to bite back the thoughts and ideas that she was bad for him. That he would be better off waiting for his Miss Charlotte to leave her fellow and he could start courting her. A nice, normal girl. Not her, not Lillian, the flighty, flirty dancer who had kissed and been courted by almost too many men to count and done more with quite a few. She liked drinking, even with her low alcohol tolerance, and she couldn't keep herself from flirting with men when she was drunk. She hated Valentine's Day. She was afraid of putting a label on things, afraid to say she loved him. She was bad for him, she knew it. She was going to hurt him someday and she wouldn't be able to stop herself.

_You put your arms around me_

_And I believe it's easier for you to let me go…_

And then one day, he left for Brooklyn. She didn't find out for a few days, not until Itey told her he had left a note in the lodging house and he had assumed he would tell her in person. But he hadn't. He hadn't said a word to her. She had nodded mutely at Itey and waited until he left before she left herself collapse; worrying if it was something she had done, if she could have made him stay if she wasn't so clingy. If he was leaving her for good.

_I hope that you see right through my walls_

_I hope that you'll catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_

_I'll never let a love get so close_

_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

And then that awful day. The day that terrified her and left her unable to speak to any man, not even the boy who had been like her brother for her entire life and not to him. She was almost frozen, afraid to say the wrong thing and make someone angry and afraid to make a wrong move. She knew it was stupid. She knew he wouldn't be mad at her, but she couldn't bring herself to speak, to do anything but wordlessly nod and stare up at him from the hospital bed.

He visited her in the hospital once. She couldn't say a word. She wanted to apologize. She wanted to beg his forgiveness for something that wasn't her fault. She wanted to say she loved him, truly, even if she couldn't show it just then. She wanted to ask for a hug. But her words had fled her and were replaced with a terror of saying the wrong thing and making him hate her.

So she didn't say a word, just kept falling.

_I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth_

_And I've never opened up_

_I've never truly loved 'til you put your arms around me_

_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

It seemed to take her forever to bring herself to speak to him, to recover enough that she wasn't quite so nervous of saying the wrong thing and making him upset at her.

"Hey Lil…" Their conversations had been very one-sided, almost scripted. He spoke to her, she forced herself to smile and nod in spite of her internal worry over doing something wrong. He spoke of trivial topics, afraid to ask her any questions that might make her retreat further away from him. She listened to every word he spoke, unable to force herself to reply. "The headlines were good today. Sold well…."

She nodded, absently fidgeting with her hands as they sat on the park bench.

"Um, there was somethin' about buildin' an underground train thing? I dunno what that's about, sounds like a crazy idea to me, but someone thinks it's a good idea." He chuckled slightly, watching carefully for her reaction.

Her hesitant smile grew slightly as he laughed and she nodded again.

He smiled back, glancing away as he tried to think what else to say. They lapsed into silence, watching the birds and the people passing by.

"S-snoddy?" It had slipped out, a hesitant, whispered question. Her cheeks flared red and she ducked her head, not sure what she intended to accomplish.

He didn't respond for a moment, as if he was trying to make sure the quiet question had indeed come from the silent brunette next to him. "Yeah, Lil?"

As she raised her head to look at him again, she saw his grin, a mixture of shock and joy that she had finally spoken to him. She nervously wet her lips, her eyes dropping to look at the ground again. And a question slipped out again to hang in the air. "C-can I have a hug?"

_I hope that you see right through my walls_

_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_

_I'll never let a love get so close_

_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

He didn't respond and Lillian kept her eyes on the ground, afraid she had said the wrong thing again and he would be angry. She hardly breathed until she felt his arms slide around her shoulders, gently pulling her against him. And all at once, her shoulders relaxed and she started to breathe again as her arms slipped around his waist in the familiar embrace. She nestled her head into his chest and breathed him in, the comforting scent of the cheap soap the boys washed with and faint cigarette smoke.

As she nestled into his arms and her breathing slowed to match his, she quietly murmured, "I'm sorry," as her eyes drifted closed.

"Don't be…" he murmured back, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "Shh, Lil. It's okay. I'm here."

_You put your arms around me and I'm home_


End file.
